Coping with Grief and Change: My Journey Through Loss and Moving Forward.
By David Hay
My life turned upside down dramatically in June 2019. Firstly, I lost my job unfairly to an employer who had discriminated against me because I am on the autistic spectrum. Since November 2017, I had been dealing with the stress of my mom being diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. I was working part-time while trying to look after the house and working in a hostile environment where no support or modifications were given to me.
I only got into this position through my dad's help as a small business loan officer. Not long after I was laid off, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal, very aggressive esophageal cancer. This was very stressful, and it made no sense as he did not have the lifestyle to develop this type of cancer. Not knowing what was going to happen and having a parent already with terminal cancer increased my stress and anxiety levels significantly. My dad's cancer was so fast that he died 7 weeks after being diagnosed without any treatment.
Since his premature death due to his cancer, I have felt lost and angry due to the injustice of an illness that made no logical sense. I have felt so low that I could not even show any emotion and felt exhausted with all the sudden changes in circumstances that I do not like due to my autistic brain. There are no specific counseling sessions for autistic people, and as an autistic person, I have very little in terms of close friendships, never mind relationships. The only close relations I had at the time were my sister and mom.
Back in February 2020, my mom's cancer had spread to her skull cap, and we thought at first it was in her brain. Not fully over my dad's death just over 6 months ago, I was back in the same stressful situation again, and my life was turned upside down again. It was just before the first pandemic lockdown that I started to receive counseling through Maggie's. At first, I thought this was going to be just a one-off session. The pandemic resulted in me becoming socially isolated as I was in a vulnerable household that was shielding. Although the pandemic meant I had more time with my mom, it increased my stress and anxiety levels further as I tried to follow rules and keep the Covid virus away from our household. It was frustrating hearing about how the pandemic was disrupting the day-to-day lives of ordinary folk who had not experienced any life change circumstances like myself, who had experienced the loss of my dad and was looking after my mom with cancer at the time. I just felt so angry hearing about petty things like not being able to go on holidays or go out as usual, things that I could not do now that my dad had died, and I had very few experiences outside the house as my mom could no longer get out and about with me. Hearing about the constant death toll upset me, and I was annoyed with those who were not following the rules and those who were selfishly endangering others' lives with their refusal to get vaccinated and follow the rules of social distancing at the time.
The pandemic meant I could not see my counselor in person, and although we did it over the phone, it was not the same as seeing someone in person. The pandemic made me feel even more socially isolated and caused me to feel anxious about leaving the house. My mom's health declined very fast in the summer of 2020, and she was in and out of the Beatson hospital. Only my sister could go and see her in person due to the ongoing restrictions at the time. By autumn 2020, the treatment was not working for my mom, and she was referred for palliative care when she got out of the hospital.
She was hardly back at home and died peacefully during her sleep. My sister had found her in the morning before the carers were due.
As a result of the pandemic, there were restrictions on the numbers that could attend her funeral. Fortunately, we were allowed up to around 20 people, which consisted of close family and her best friend who could attend. It was not the same experience as the year before with my dad's funeral prior to the COVID-19 pandemic.
After my mum's and dad's premature deaths, I have felt very lost, angry, despairing, and depressed for a few years. I have struggled to see the positives in life and have felt very isolated as the pandemic had not helped with this due to restrictions on and off for more than a year. I have only finished Maggie's counseling sessions this February, which in total has been 3 years in receipt of counseling as I have struggled to come to terms with all the sudden changes in my life. To add more change and anxiety associated with that, my twin sister, along with my mum's side of the family, wanted us to move house. This felt very forced on me as it felt like I was getting dictated to where I could live. The main problem was our previous house had an unusually large-sized rear garden. Throughout last year, we had been looking at houses and viewing several properties before coming across one which we both liked, and it had a reasonably sized back but bigger front garden compared to the previous house with a double flat driveway.
The process of selling the house had been emotionally upsetting and physically exhausting in terms of clearing the attic, garage, and underneath in the cellar, as well as in the crawl space. Going through stuff and deciding what to keep was not an easy task. A lot of stuff went into storage to give us space. We ended up filling three skips in total as we had been in that house for just under 30 years.
A year after my mum's death, my sister had been looking for a puppy as she wanted a dog. This has been a learning curve as we have never had a dog before. It has helped take the sting out of what has happened to us, and at the same time, it has given me a purpose to get up and go out for walks. Prior to getting the dog, I was not really going out as I had no purpose since losing my mum and dad. I also had lost confidence due to the COVID-19 lockdown restrictions and the fear of getting the virus.
I am slowly starting to feel like myself again, although with the help of an antidepressant prescription from the GP. What I have learned is that life is too short, and nothing can be taken indefinitely. We can have it all one minute and then it can change direction very suddenly without any warning.